Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Putting the Pieces of my Self Back Together Again

Hello, Beloveds.

OMG!!!  So much has been catalyzed within me since my Mystical Mother's Day.

First, to bring you up to speed, I had a lot of Cosmic support on Mother's Day.   As such, I am personally having more realizations and awareness around my multidimensional Selves and experiences. I believe that this has a lot to do with the fact that Luna triggered the apex point of one of my Yods on Sunday. This particular Yod has Mercury in Aquarius (apex - 7th house), Luna in Cancer (12th house), and Uranus in Virgo (2nd house).  I find this Yod fascinating... the ruler of Cancer (Moon) is in its own sign, Uranus is in the sign ruled by Mercury and Mercury is in the sign ruled by Uranus. No wonder Mother's Day was sooooooo mystically amazing!!!

Yesterday was Luna's last quarter phase.  Here is what Star Sister Astrology had to say about that:
Over the year ahead, your challenge -- and mine, and that of everyone on our imperiled planet -- will be to develop a new relationship between the three-D reality of your life, and our world, and the multidimensional potentials that lie just beyond it. ~ Marcia Wade
Naturally, here in duality, when we experience the Highs we must also experience the Lows.  I have been dealing with that fallout today.

I had just had a HUGE "aha" moment right before seeing this FaceBook posting by Shaman Tube:
We are powerful beyond measure, and so deeply vulnerable at the same time. This may seem like a dichotomy, but it isn't. We have misunderstood real power. It has been something assertive, non-surrendering, pushing on through. This is not real power. This is simply willfulness. Real power is something else- receptivity, openness, the courage to keep your heart open on the darkest of days, the strength to feel it all even when the odds are stacked against you. Real power is showing up with your heart on your sleeve and absolutely refusing to waste one moment of your life hidden behind edginess and armor. ~ Jeff Brown
Art by Kirby Sattler

I have recently read The Shadow King by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone.  I am currently reading their book, Embracing Our Selves.  From their second book, I have become aware that my Instinctual self was polarized very early in my life causing me to be challenged by aggression throughout the rest of my life up until now ever since my Tiger self was buried. 

I was thinking of the various, most recent dreams I have been having where my Tiger self has been desperately trying to get my attention. Then, I realized that somehow my Tiger self got the message around the age of 2 or 3 years that it needed to save me AND my mom from my dad who adopted me when I was 4. I also realized that, while I had saved myself, I had failed in not being able to save my mom. In the moment of that realization, I was overcome by sorrow, and I started crying.

Further, I was constantly being punished for being a "willful" child.  This is how we lose our Self. My parents were taught the wrong definition of power, and when I exhibited REAL power, they couldn't recognize it, they mislabeled what they saw, and my real power was disowned when I was punished for it.

While I am very  glad that I found the message shared above because it reteaches my Instinctual self about how to come back into balance, it triggered an ENORMOUS and unexpected grieving process for me.  I was very confused for awhile.  I was significantly aware of the feelings of sorrow that were coming up, yet I was unable to discern what exactly it was that I was grieving.

Despite the fact that I was feeling so stretched that I was certain to POP, I chose to keep diving deeper into the process.  Bits and pieces started floating to the surface.  

I was reminded of an incident that I had been told about by my aunt ~ my mother's older sister.  She had relayed an incident wherein she, my grandmother (their mother) and my great grandmother had come to visit us.  At this time, my sister was an infant and it was before I was formally adopted by mother's second husband, my sister's father.  I had gotten into trouble with him over something of insignificance, and he had gone into a rage about it.  My aunt told me that she, my grandmother and great grandmother were appalled by his behavior and confronted my mother about allowing his treatment towards me.  My aunt said that my mother physically stepped between them and me and my dad, and said very coolly to them, "He's her father now."  Recognizing the impasse my mother had created, my aunt, my grandmother and my great grandmother walked out and left me there with them.

This incident seems to tie together with the polarization of my Instinctual self, though there may have been even earlier events that contributed to it as well.  Still, it did feel as though there was more to discover around this event.  I chose to rise above the personal impact for me to find an impersonal access point.  As I made this choice, I was again reminded that I have been aware of being here on the planet for an important mission since I was at least 2 years old.

My Soul mission is very much connected to the healing of the Wounded Feminine, the Reemergence of the Solar Feminine and the Union of the Sacred Masculine and Sacred Feminine.  For all of this to happen - the Healing, the Reemergence, the Sacred Union - underneath it lies the monumental task of bringing the Patriarchy from the past 6,000 years back into balance.  Yes, I know, it does feel very daunting at times!

Here is where it became clear to me that my dad is a full and perfect embodiment of the Extreme Patriarch. My mother is a full and perfect embodiment of the Wounded Feminine.  From the story my aunt had shared with me, It feels pretty clear to me that traumatizing experience of having my maternal lineage walk out on me, leaving me with a Wounded Feminine and an Extreme Patriarch whose rages were life-threatening, provided the "perfect storm" for my Inner Child to attach my Soul Mission to my immediate sense of endangerment from my mom and dad.  Thus, my Tiger self received the message that it needed to save me AND my mom (Wounded Feminine) from my dad (Extreme Patriarch).

Being able to move into the Aware Ego Process to discover the roots of my Instinctual self's polarization and how it has impacted my life has provided a tremendous healing for me as I regain pieces of my True Self ~ my Real Self.  Putting the pieces of my Real Self back together has helped my Inner Child to understand that it did not, nor has not, failed in my Soul Mission.  Rediscovering my Real Self gives me AND my Inner Child FULL permission to once again act from our Real Power.

I pray you, too, will find your way back to that sacred place within you.

I am available for Coaching Calls ($81/Hour) should you require some support.  You can email me to schedule a call.


My Inner Child is JOYFUL once more!

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